Theo's short muscular fingers flew to the keyboard and clicked a message, "I have a pickup in Maple Vale." He leaned back and waited for a reply. He watched Meryl's response spread across the computer screen. Silky smooth as he imagined her skin would be.
"Now, it must be after midnight."
"It's what I do. I'll call when I get back. It'll be about three. It takes longer because I have to pick up the hearse at the office. It would be quicker if I took it home at night."
"Why don't you?"
"It's not mine. It's the company's."
"So ask the boss. Jake, isn't it?"
"Yeah, Jake the Fat man. Maybe I will. Are you going to wait up for me?"
"Okay. It should only be midnight here. I won't be able to sleep anyway."
"While you are waiting, think about what I would do to you if you were here."
"What would you do if I were?"
"Let your imagination run wild. I'll tell you later. I’ve got to run. Bye."
The icon vanished. Theo was off the net. Meryl was alone with her thoughts, a computer and two sleeping children. Tomorrow morning her ex was coming to take the kids on a weeklong camping trip. She grinned to herself. A week alone with her computer without snoopy kids peeking over her shoulder. She butted her long thin cigarette in a Mexican agate ashtray, and went to make a pot of Earl Grey tea.
She wondered what Theo looked like; if he looked like the photograph he sent over the web. In the photo, he was handsome and young. If it was his photograph; if it wasn't taken thirty years ago. She had sent him a five year old picture. Perhaps it was a little misleading. But it was close enough to the truth. Not deceptive. Meryl had no way of knowing what Theo looked like unless she saw him in person.The thought made her nervous. A billion lies floated around the internet at any particular time. Was Theo another lie? Did he even exist? She did not even know for sure that a funeral parlor employee named Theo lived on this earth. Perhaps a pimple faced teenager named Leroy manned the keyboard on the other end. And Theo a figment of his imagination. All things were possible. She believed that getting involved with any man carried a risk. Even a man like her ex who she had known for years.Meryl pondered whether she wanted to meet someone, or whether she played a game to amuse herself? She wasn't sure. Meryl wondered what kind of person picked up dead bodies for a funeral parlor. It definitely was not her thing. She shrugged. Most likely she would never find out. She would never meet him in person. But she wasn't sure about that. She wasn't sure about much of anything except that her rotten cheating husband was an ex and she liked it that way. So what if she indulged in cross-country chats with a person unknown. He was a pen pal. No harm could come from it.
On the other side of the country, three thousand miles from Meryl, Theo left for work. He passed over creaking floorboards in his front hall. He peeled out his gravel driveway, and to the funeral home. As he drove, he weighed various ways to ask Jake the Fat man about the hearse. It would make the midnight runs so much more efficient.It was strange how many pickups he did after the witching hour. He didn't mind. At minimum wage, he took every opportunity to rack up overtime. And he liked the solitude of late night jaunts.
Later, as he was wheeling the customer out to the hearse, he thought he saw a foot twitch. Saying nothing to the family, he placed the old lady in the back of the hearse, and eased down the driveway. After driving two blocks and two corners, he pulled to a quick stop. He reached back, and wrapped his stubby fingers around her bony wrist. He hoped to feel warmth, a hint of lingering life. Rigor mortis told him the twitch was nothing but his imagination.
Theo floored the gas pedal and laid a twenty foot strip of rubber. He sped to the mountain highway that connected Maple Vale and Whatterton City.As he hit the highway, he slowed, rolled down his window, and inhaled the cool mountain air. He was alone in the middle of nowhere with an old lady who had died in her sleep. A gentle autumn breeze rustled through drying leaves. The snows would come soon. Rusts, oranges and yellows covered the ground. Leaves were dead and dying, but not the trees. The trees only looked as if they were dying. After the coming winter, spring would renew the maples, birches, oaks, and elms. Spring would pump new warmth and new life into the frozen, ghostlike trunks. New leaves and shoots would burst forth into the mountains and valleys. Seeds would sprout, flowers would bloom.He loved springtime, when plants came back to life like souls reaching the afterlife.
When he got home, he connected with Meryl who was waiting at her computer. He told her about the pickup, except for the imaginary twitch. "You've been up all night, Meryl. I should let you get some sleep."
"Okay. Call me tomorrow."
"Yeah, okay. Bye."
"What time?"
"The usual. Wait for me."
"All right, but you had better call. Don't forget. Are you going to ask Jake about the hearse?"
"Maybe, and about embalming."
"Embalming?"
"Fixing up bodies for burial, so they don't rot."
"That's gross, Theo. Do you know how to do it?"
"Yes, I do. In fact, I know more about it than Jake the Fat man. But embalmers are a protective lot. They have an inner circle and don't want anyone else to get in. It's not as if embalming is tricky. All you do is..."
"Don't tell me. I don't want to hear about it."
"You'll get used to it. What do you think people in the trade talk about, the weather?"
"Enough already. What time are you going to call tomorrow?"
"I'll call. Just make sure you have your chat line open so I can get through."
"Can't you set a time? Are you afraid of commitment?"
"I'm not in control of my time. I'm always on call. When somebody goes, I do the pickup. Lately, it always seems to be after midnight. I'm dead tired. I have to go to bed."
"Dead tired, eh?"
"Standard phrase a round funeral homes. I'll call tomorrow. Bye."
"Okay, bye."
Theo clicked his mouse. The chat line closed. It was four o'clock Friday morning. He set his alarm for noon and fell exhausted into bed. Meryl stared at the computer screen, but saw nothing. She was deep in thought. Embalming? Jesus, what was with this guy? Embalming was one thing if you were raking in major money. But prepping dead bodies for minimum wage was something else. Theo had never pretended that he was well paid - minimum wage and lots of overtime. For this he wanted to embalm corpses? She didn't need to meet anybody like that. Her ex – husband, damn his bastard soul all to hell, was an Ivy League suit with an Ivy League wallet. Conservative as all get out - except for the booze and slutty girlfriends. Theo the body picker upper was not in the same league, or even on the same planet. But he was so good looking.She clicked and clacked the mouse button and brought Theo's picture onto the screen. So handsome, and those eyes, Theo's eyes radiated passion. They were on fire. He would be hot stuff, and God knows she could use some romance right about now. She needed to cut loose, live a little, try something new. Theo would be hot. Maybe too hot, maybe a little on the weird side, a different combo all right, passionate and weird. Were all passionate people weird? She had read that somewhere. But the source escaped her.
Meryl yawned and called it a night.She fell into a deep sleep and dreamed of her ex-husband dancing in the fires of hell. She dreamed of cuddling Theo and a bottle of wine on a bear skin rug before a blazing fireplace.
Three thousand miles away, Theo tossed and turned. The dream came again, a ghostlike spirit lifting out of a dying body. It was but a dream. He had never been present with anybody when they died. Never been there at that exact moment when a spirit passed from flesh into the ether world. Waking, he thought of the old woman and the twitch. He had hoped she would die in the hearse so he could see her soul pass from her body. But it wasn't to be. When he had grabbed her wrist, she was already cold. The dream had come many times. Each time was a little different, but the substance was the same, a living spirit leaving a dying body. Details changed but not the essence. Lately the dream came more and more often, almost nightly, along with the others.
Theo thought about embalming. Tomorrow he would talk to Jake the Fat man about it. It was time. He had paid his dues. His desire to embalm had drawn him to the funeral business in the first place. It brought him there and it kept him there. Jake had promised to bring him into embalming, but refused to lay out a timetable. Theo was getting impatient. He had been picking up bodies and playing gopher for a year. This wasn't the first time. Two previous funeral homes had done the same. There must be a trade guild like the ancient Egyptians had to protect the in crowd. People like to protect their turf and keep everything for themselves. Not him. He had no desire to hog the action. As long as he got his, he didn't care about anyone else.
Theo closed his eyes and willed himself back to sleep. Another dream came. He was an ancient Egyptian embalmer wearing a white papyrus skirt and collar. Sweat glistened on his dark tanned skin. He was looking down on an oiled body laid upon an elaborate carved table deep in the recesses of a nobleman's tomb. He worked under a twenty foot high image of Anubis. He dipped cotton strips in fragrant oils and wrapped the strips around the nobleman, to preserve the body and to house the Ba while the Ka and the Akh went, gods willing, to the afterlife. Laborers chiselled instructions on the tomb walls to help the nobleman find his way to the afterlife. Others with brushes wrote the nobleman's confession on papyrus. Confessions to deny sin at the Ceremony of the Weighing of the Heart. As Theo drifted deeper into sleep, the dream shifted into a nightmare. Flames burst through the table top and turned the embalming table into a pyre, engulfing the body. It wasn't the nobleman anymore; it was Theo. He woke in terror.
The next day, after Theo talked with Jake, the gleaming hearse stood in front of Theo's aging house. Theo was pleased with the arrangements for the hearse. But, he was angry with Jake's refusal to discuss embalming. He called Meryl on the chat line. After saying hello, he sat back and let Meryl chat. She talked and talked. Preoccupied and gritting his teeth, he stayed silent and let her ramble on until the phone rang. He sensed it was another pick up. The mortuary was having itself a season. He was right. "Got to go," he said. Duty calls."
"Again?"
"Yeah, I'll be back before dinner."
"Call me.""Okay." He signed off and headed out to the hearse. The front hall creaked and squeaked. Theo ducked around the leather fetish hanging from the wall, and bowed his head at the ebony image of Anubis. He stepped around the shadow of the jackal like head and opened the door to bright sunshine and crisp air. Turning around to once again bow to Anubis, he noticed how slanted the hall floor had become. He made a mental note to shore up the floor joists. Anubis was leaning like the Tower of Pisa. A god as important as Anubis demanded a level floor to stand on. Nothing less would do.
The new customer was a stroke victim who the hospital declared dead on arrival. Theo hustled just in case. It was unlikely the hospital would report a man dead if he wasn't. But you never knew. Stranger things have happened. In the funereal world, one heard stories about hospitals, lots of stories. Once the body was inside the hearse, Theo touched the old man's hand. His fingers wrapped around stiff and icy cold flesh. The hospital staff had taken their damn sweet time calling the funeral home. Theo lit a cigarette.
When he dropped off the body, Jake told him that the family had ordered a cremation. Theo shared Jake's indignation, but for a different reason. Jake's suffering came from losing the handsome profit earned on the sale of a fancy coffin. Theo had more important concerns that he couldn't discuss with Jake. Jake wouldn't understand anything more about the Ba, the Ka, and the Akh than Meryl would. He understood Meryl's lack of knowledge, but not Jake's. He called himself an embalmer, but his knowledge was but a faint shadow of the ancient Egyptians. After two millenniums, modern man was unable to match ancient Egypt's embalming technology. The ancients had secrets lost for two thousand years. Secrets Theo longed to rediscover.
In junior high school, Egyptian history enthralled Theo. Burial tombs, mummies, pyramids, mysteries waiting to be solved, stories waiting to be told. And the gods, fabulous gods. His favorite was Anubis, God of the Dead, Lord of the Necropolis, the patron of embalmers. Theo adopted Anubis as his personal deity. On graduation day, he stole an ebony statue of Anubis from the State University anthropology museum. Theo knew that King Tut's tomb featured a resplendent image of Anubis. He longed to see through King Tut's eyes. Touch his spirit, learn the secrets of Anubis, or Osiris, God of the Underworld, or Re, God of the Sun. It was his destiny to learn the secrets of everlasting life. Embalming and the mortuary were but means to an end, a way to learn about death, and hence, about life. Theo's destiny drew him to the funeral home. It was time for him to get to the nitty gritty, time to do as the Egyptians and practice the art and science of embalming. It was a critical part of the path to true knowledge.
Picking up the bodies was no longer enough. He needed to prepare them for the journey. Theo knew Jake Barnes, was not going to cooperate. He needed ways and means. But his immediate concern was the coming cremation. Unless he did something, the cremation would doom the old man to eternal death. Without a body to hold the Ba, there was no hope for an afterlife. But what could he do. If he replaced the body, he would only exchange one unfortunate for another. What point to save one Ba and kill another? And it was dangerous. He would take the risk only if he could switch the old man's body with someone unworthy. But he would have to do it soon. The old man's cremation was set for ten o'clock Monday morning. Unless the embalming process started soon, decay would set in.
At home, once again Theo passed under the image of Anubis which still leaned off center. He just had to get to those noisy joists. But first he had to prepare for the embalming of the old man's body, a matter of utmost urgency. He glanced at the fetish. The oils were ready. He had the requisite instructions written on papyrus in his chamber. An old flannel sheet would provide the cloth strips. But how could he get a replacement body into the crematorium, and whose body? What philistine was unworthy of a chance of eternal life? What philistine indeed. He already knew the answer. The pleasure would be all his.
He had given Jake Barnes more than ample opportunity to redeem himself. Theo sat in his favorite armchair, closed his eyes and opened his mind to inspiration. He hoped for a plan of action to present itself. He began to cackle. Jake deserved this fate. A fate that would serve a dual purpose. A chance for Theo to be there when the Ka passed from flesh, and the removal of a hurdle to becoming an embalmer. It made so much sense. But he needed to catch Jake off guard. Jake Barnes was a big man, an ex-college football player, not easy pickings by any means. Jake would have to have his back turned. Then a quick shiv in the back would do it, but not in the heart. He wanted Jake to linger for a few seconds, to give him time to watch for the departing Ka and Akh. The third element of the human spirit, the Ba, stayed in the body. That was the raison d'etre for embalmers. Without a preserved body, the whole spirit was doomed. Not just the Ba, but the Ka and the Akh as well.
After the plan came, Theo returned to the front hall and knelt before Anubis. He prayed for strength. He prayed long, and with piety. He set to work, preparing the chamber in his cellar for the old man. Jake Barnes wouldn't need a burial chamber. Jake was going to the pyre. But not until Theo watched Jake's Ka and Akh fly from the body in a futile quest for eternal life. He finished his preparations at two in the morning and called Meryl. He wanted to share his plans with her, but held back. It was too early to bring her into his confidence. He had plenty of time to teach her about Anubis and the true path to the afterlife. Perhaps someday she would understand. But the old man's family never would. They would never know the great favor he was about to bestow.
As usual, Meryl did most of the talking. Preoccupied with the planned body switch, he preferred it that way. But he did suggest a few times that she take a vacation in Whatterton City. He would be delighted to give her a tour of the town and, of course, the funeral parlor. Although she didn't say she would, she said she might. That night he dreamed of watching Jake engulfed by flames. And he dreamed of meeting Meryl in person. In dreams you see your inner self. In dreams you see not only what is, but also what can be.But it wasn't to be.
When Theo arrived at work on Monday morning, the cremation was already finished. The family had insisted on a change in the schedule. The old man was doomed to forever nothingness, and Jake Barnes the Fat man would wake to see the next morning. Theo was depressed. His dream of watching Jake go up in smoke was gone. Still down in the dumps, Theo tried to come up with another workable plan to dispose of Jake. But even that would not be enough. The desire to embalm was growing by the hour, as was his long held obsession to watch a spirit leave a body. He had to be there when someone died, when a Ka and Akh started the fateful journey to the afterlife. He just had to.
He perked up when he checked his email. Meryl was on her way. She was coming. He would have to come up a plan for Jake soon, before Meryl came. Or did he? Perhaps he should wait until Meryl had gone home. Jake was a large man. Killing a former football player needed serious planning. Meryl's visit would distract him and slow down the process. He logged off and went once again to pray before Anubis. The floor groaned. The tilt seemed worse. Anubis looked as if the slightest touch would send him sprawling to the floor. What an unspeakable disaster that would be. He just had to get to those floor joists. Still feeling depressed, Theo pulled out a cigarette. He had to do something about his chain smoking, especially while he was living in an old, tinder dry house. He would worry about it after Meryl's visit. She had told him that she smoked, so he didn't care if he tasted like an ashtray; she would too. Maybe if things worked out, they could quit the vile weed together.
But first, he had to get ready for Meryl's visit. Except for the hall and his chamber in the cellar, his house was a pigsty. He needed time to make the house suitable for a lady. Working, chat lining with Meryl, and researching the ancients left little time for housework. Low wages left no money for a housekeeper. He had to clean the house himself and think about how to get rid of Jake, the sooner the better. And he had to see a Ka and Akh leave a body. Obsessed, he could wait no longer. He had to do it. Had to see it happen. The ancients beckoned.
When Theo arrived at work in the morning, a well-dressed stranger sat in Jake's office."Who the hell are you?" Theo asked. "Where's Jake?"
"I'm Johann Wunderlich. Jake is on vacation. The company sent me out from Wheeling to look after things while he is away. You must be Theo."
"Damn straight I'm Theo. Jake never said anything about a vacation."
"He takes one every year. It's not a problem. Just pretend I'm Jake. Do what you do, and I'll do what Jake does. Do you have a problem with that?"
"No. Surprised that's all. Jake usually tells me what's happening."
"Well, carry on. I have things to do." Johan turned his back to Theo and began rummaging through a filing cabinet. Theo stared daggers at the man's back. Sure Johann could replace Jake. He put the thought out of his mind. Johan Wunderlich could not go missing without attracting attention. He had to wait for Jake's return, whenever that was. Theo spun out of the office and headed for the coffee room. Bloody corporation, airlifting in somebody from outside instead of relying on the home troops? Damn the big chain takeovers all to hell. Before the multinationals bought out local parlors across America, this would not have happened. Theo was furious, and depressed. His date with Jake's Ka and Akh was on hold. Jake's date with the funeral pyre was on hold. But Theo's demons were not on hold. They grew stronger by the hour. They were bursting inside, straining to break out. He wanted to go home to the inspiring presence of Anubis, but he had work to do.Then an epiphany flooded Theo's brain. The company would never promote him to Jake's job. The company was grooming Mr. Johan Fancy Pants and like ilk to take over senior positions. The company saw Theo as just another warm body to do the dirty work for bottom wages. Theo had trouble making it through the day. His lust to embalm was driving him to distraction.
He managed to get home without incident. But he needed to talk to someone. He dialed up Meryl but got no answer. Then he remembered. She was on her way. He lit up a smoke, shut down the computer, and went to his special room in the cellar. He put on his papyrus skirt and smeared his face and body with self-tanning lotions. He greased his hair and combed it straight back in the way of the ancients. Then he closed his eyes and willed himself into the dream. And the dream was good. And he knew it was time for his dream to come to pass.
Nervous as shy girl on her first date, Meryl checked the address and hopped out of the cab. The cab driver swore under his breath at the tiny tip and peeled away. She hesitated then knocked, waited, and knocked again. If the cab driver had waited, she might have left. But he was gone. She was stuck. She knew Theo was at home; the hearse was there. After another knock she tried the door and walked in. She stopped and stared at Anubis. She didn't know what it was, but she knew it was Egyptian. She remembered similar pictures from her kids' history books. People with Egyptian statues should name themselves Ahmed, not Theo.
"Theo," She called. "It's me, Meryl. Are you here?" Not hearing anything she tiptoed past Anubis, and called out again. Again she heard nothing but the creaking of the floorboards. "Theo," she bellowed and stomped on the floor with her clunky heel. Hearing nothing she turned to leave.
"Wait," Theo said as he came around the corner, a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. "Meryl, is that you?"
Meryl stopped in mid stride and looked back at Theo."Jesus Christ," She said. "What kind of weirdo are you? What in hell kind of clothes is that, Egyptian?"
"I am trying them out for a costume party next weekend."
"I wouldn't be caught dead looking like that. I think this is all a big mistake. I should leave."
"No. You can't leave. I mean I don't want you to leave. You just can't. I've been waiting for so long. I've got everything ready for you."
"Got what ready?"
"Everything is ready. I'm ready. I fixed up a special room in the basemen just for you. It's yours, forever."
"We had better forget it, Theo. This isn't working for me."
"No. You have to stay. They're waiting." Theo grabbed at her. Meryl spun away, bumped the oil filled fetish off the wall, and darted past Anubis toward the door."Meryl, wait," Theo shouted. He started after her, but slipped on the oil. He fell. His shoulder crashed into Anubis. The cigarette flew from his mouth. Anubis toppled and landed on Theo's neck, crushing three vertebrae. Broken bits of bone punctured his spinal cord. He heard the door slam.Theo watched little flames licking the oil around the fallen cigarette. It seemed like an eternity. Little flames creeping toward the curtains and charring the aged floorboards. Little flames growing bigger and bigger. Not-so-little flames coming toward him, growing, growing. He heard his Ba scream, and his Ka, and his Akh. He saw them float out of his body in terror. Saw them break up and drift apart. Saw them vanish screaming into the flames, screaming, screaming.